Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Scone Report #3: Celebrity Sightings and Skinny Days

The Scone Report tackles issues in the news or in my life that evoke any sort of strong emotion. This week with the all the bad in the world: the ending of the "Bachelor", the beginning of "Dancing with the Stars", high gas prices, a higher Charlie Sheen.... just to name a few, I have decided to focus on only things that amused me.

Skinny Days:
This week I had 2 straight skinny days. You know, those days where your stomach is flatter than normal and your clothes fit a little looser. To celebrate my skinny days I had a French Toast Muffin (Thank you, Costco) and skipped the gym. My streak ended at 2 days.

Oh french toast muffin, you delicious temptress

Iowans are Good Looking:
Former Iowa State football player and Fort Dodge, Iowa native, Kurtis Taylor, is the new face of the Ken doll after competing and winning in several "Bachelor Style" challenges. For those of you who don't know an Iowan up close and personal this may come as a shock to you. For those of you who do know me then you know that Iowans are good looking, bright and thin for at least 2 days in a row.


Kurtis Taylor, just another good looking Iowan

Offensive Word Verification:
Please, please, please tell me this is the new thing in word verifications, each time you have to use this security measure a mildly offensive word comes up. Well played, Map Quest, well played......


Got "pooping" right in one try

Celebrity Sightings:
My sister can spot any celebrity anywhere (another talent that Iowans possess) and this is who she spotted in a 3 day span on her visit to Los Angeles:
Jenna Elfman, "Dharma and Greg"-at The Grove
Dave Navarro, "Jane's Addiction"-at the Starbucks on Robertson and Beverly (wearing eyeliner)
Dax Shepard, "Punkd", "Parenthood"-at the Starbucks on Robertson and Beverly (wearing a hoodie)
Debbie Allen, "Fame"-on Venice Beach
Lous van Amstel-"Dancing with the Stars"-at Burbank Airport

Dax Shepard....not an Iowan

Not to be out done, Brock had a sighting:
Dave Grohl-"Nirvana", "Foo Fighters"-at 7-11 in a Honda mini van


Brock Found a Friend/s:
Me: (phone rings) Hello
Brock: (no salutation) I find I have a real connection with the grocery store workers. I think I really like them.
Me: I thought you didn't like anyone?
Brock: That's true....... except for the grocery store workers........and Goose.....and Dave Grohl.......oh, and you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Enthusiastic Dance Moves

For those of you who know me,  know that I don't see a lot of movies and "Take Me Home Tonight" was no exception. I came closer to seeing this movie that most. This however, will not stop me from reviewing the movie.


"Take Me Home Tonight" has two things that every movie should have.

1. An 80's storyline
2. An 80's theme song that reminds me of the 80's: Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money

Based on these two facts I would recommend this movie. Sure, I could blabber on and on about the acting and the screen play but what I think you really want to see is Brock dancing to the theme song. His enthusiasm, confidence and questionable dance moves to the theme song are recommendation enough.

For those of you who know Brock, these moves are familiar to you. They have cleared the dance floor at your wedding while bringing unwanted attention to his dance partner (you can almost see the embarrassment on Goose face). For those of you who have never seen Brock dance, sit back and enjoy.

(It's not as clear as I'd like but he does want the ability to dispute that it is actually him)

video

Dance, don't walk, to a theatre near you!

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Man Cold


Brock has been sick for 3 weeks and after ruling out the Man Cold (see video above) it was time to visit Urgent Care. I liked it there because there was no one else waiting and they had tons a magazines. As I was enjoying my Glamour Magazine the nurse summoned me to come in and speak to the doctor. It went like this:

Doctor (short, bald, belly like a bowl full of jelly): Are you Mr. Brock's wife?
Me: Yes (wasn't in the mood to explain the relationship however, ironically, the article I was reading in Glamour was "Defining your Relationship")
Doctor: He is VEDY, VEDY, VEDY sick! (speaking vedy loudly and somewhat accusatory in a vedy thick middle eastern accent)
Me: Yes, I know
Doctor: Do you know the Chicken Breast?
Me: Yes, yes, I know the Chicken Breast.
Doctor: Do you know the Cilantro?
Me: Yes! Yes! I know the Cilantro!
Doctor: You must...You must make Mr. Brock soup! He MUST drink that soup! He Must!
Me: Ok, I will make him soup which he must drink!
Doctor: (handing me a prescription with four medicines on it for his bronchitis and speaking very softly now) Miss Julie, go, go quickly to the pharmacy and get these medicines BUT if Mr. Brock drinks the soup you make him he will not need the medicines.
Me: (hesitant and slightly confused) OK, soup is better than all the antibiotics.....for bronchitis?
Doctor: Yes, (and then quietly and quickly adds) he also should not drink juice, soda, water, or coffee, just hot tea.
Me: (quickly panning the  room for medical diploma) Ok, no water?  Just hot tea and soup that I make? Got it!

Needless to say I did make the soup, we purchased 1 of the 4 medicines that he prescribed, although not 100% Brock feels much better and I have a follow up appointment with the doctor to explain how I could have let this happen to Mr. Brock.

Not the actual soup I made

Friday, March 18, 2011

Rage and Hanger

A few weeks ago Brock and I decided that we were going to tackle some demo work around the house. Specifically, we were going to tear down the super size deck that was in our back yard. Just as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross discovered the 5 Stages of Grief, I discovered the 5 Stages of Demolition with a Loved One. My degree from the University of Iowa is in sociology, which by the way is the first time I have EVER name dropped that fact.

The 5 Stage of Home Demolition with a Loved One

Delusional Thoughts and/or Lunacy: This usually takes place at the beginning of the day in the form of thoughts such as: This should only take 3-4 hours. We definitely have enough tools to get this job done. That's cute that you don't know how to use a hammer and/or any other tool we will be using.

Hanger: This is where you are so hungry you are angry, however, in our case this is where you are so angry you become hungry. The anger part comes from thoughts such as, "Why is the person who doesn't know how to hold a hammer so bossy".  In my defense, project management and keeping people on task is an important part of any demo. We were hangry a lot and took several of snack breaks.


The elusive trash bin of Los Angeles


Rage: This usually appears between the 5th and 6th trip to Home Depot.

Paranoia: The comes in 2 forms. The first is "Noise Paranoia" which is where you are constantly worried that your neighbors will complain about all the noise you are making. This generally subsides after 8am. Secondly, is "Trash Bin Paranoia". This is paranoia that the trash bin that you rented will be used by all your neighbors to dump their trash in because finding an open bin to throw your trash in in Los Angeles is as exciting as spotting a unicorn.


The equally elusive unicorn of Los Angeles

Memory Loss/Dementia: The onset of this is usually about 24-48 hours after your demo project is completed and enables you to start planning your next home improvement project.

I think its obvious that I have taken social sciences by storm with my new theory and in the process have made the University of Iowa very proud.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Scone Report #2

The Scone Report details events in the news or in my life over the past week that have annoyed, confused, frightened, amused or angered me in some way.

$100,000,000
Evidently Charlie Sheen is suing Warner Bros and Chuck Lorre for $100,000,000 for wrongful termination.....in other news, I purchased the "Hot Dog" combo (Hot Dog and Soft Drink) at Costco's for $1.65 (including tax)....and paid in nickels, which proves you don't need $100,000,000 to be crazy.

Goose Gets a Bath
8:30:00am  I get Goose in the bath tub
8:30:32am  I get Goose back in the bath tub
8:30:55am  For the third time, I pick Goose back up to put in him in the tub...as he claws at the shower   curtain and side of the tub I am thankful he doesn't have thumbs but wish he had 10 less pounds on his frame.
8:31:13am  Lather.....
8:38:00am  Looking down at both of us I discover that I am wetter than he is.
8:38:23am  Rinse, Repeat
8:43:00am  Goose exits bathtub with all the grace of a ballerina
8:44:12am  Goose goes outside to sunbath and dry off
8:44:23am  Goose lays in the dirt and rolls around
8:45:00am  Someone (I'm not saying who) uses foul language loud enough that the neighbor comes out to see if everything is OK.


Taken at 8:44:23am

Kicked Out!
Reality Star Participant Michaele Salahi was kicked off of Celebrity Rehab for not having an addiction. It seemed bizarre to me that she actually got on the show not having the only requirement to be on the show. Then I remembered a long time ago when I worked at a place that was hiring Valet Parking Attendants . The 2 gentleman that got the job after a 1st and 2nd  interview and reference checks, like Michaele Salahi,  didn't have the only thing required to be valet parkers.......a driver's license. It seems to me that an interview for a valet parker  would only have 1 question and would go something like this:

Interviewer: "Do you have a drivers license?"
Applicant: "Yes"
Interviewer: "Welcome aboard"
or
Interviewer: "Do you have a drivers license?"
Applicant: "No"
Interviewer: "You realize this job is 90% driving"
Applicant: "Yes, I'm aware of that"
Interviewer: "We won't be offering you the position" or in the case I'm referring to "Welcome aboard"

Needless to say after several trips to the DMV and a month later they were able to park cars as opposed to pointing to the reserved valet spaces and asking people if they would mind parking it themselves.

No Stealing
I was in Venice Beach yesterday and this sign was posted on one vendors jewelry collection. Could it be this easy? Are we  over thinking things? For the record, I didn't steal anything.


Ok, if you say so

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Prom

There a few catch phrases that are over used and really getting under my skin. They are in no particular order.

1. ".......Just sayin'...."
2. "That's what I'm talking about" (usually followed by a high five or fist pump)
3. "Winning" (usually spoken by a deranged former TV sitcom star who is doing anything but)
4. "I volunteered us to chaperon prom"


Stop! Play prom inspired video below for dramatic effect and continue reading.



I heard #4 for the first time last night. This is the conversation that followed:
(Just a reminder that Brock coaches and teaches at all boys Catholic school.)

Me: Why would you do that?
Brock: You don't have to go if you don't want to....
Me: Who else is chaperoning?
Brock: Well, so far there's me......and you......Oh, its on a boat in Marina del Rey that should be fun....
Me: ..........(blank stare)......
Brock: You look pretty.

Exactly how I am going to wear my hair

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Cart Cowboy

Over the past few weeks a herd (4 to be exact) of shopping carts have appeared around my house. Although I don't know how they got here, I do know how they leave.......the Cart Cowboy. I'm not sure if Cart Cowboys are just in these parts (Cowboy talk) or if they are in other parts of Los Angeles. The Cart Cowboy is part urban legend, part reality and 100% local hero for he drives around town, picks up the wayward carts and returns them to their respective stores (no, I'm not joking).  I have seen Cart Cowboys and I have tried for the past 2 months to get a picture of one, the closest I came was 2 days ago when he was pulling out of the 7-11 but I was too slow with the camera phone and he too quick with the 3 point turn. To the untrained eye a Cart Cowboy is indistinguishable from a real cowboy. In an effort to find the Cart Cowboy I have listed the difference between them and a real cowboy in the hopes that he is spotted and directed to my house.

Landscaper who is dressed similar to a Cart Cowboy


 Attire
Real Cowboy: Cowboy Hat, Denim Shirt, Chaps, Cowboy Boots
Cart Cowboy: Cowboy Hat/Straw Hat (think landscaper), Long Sleeve White Shirt, Jeans, Work Boots

Prey
Real Cowboy: Cattle, Sheep, Outlaws
Cart Cowboy: Shopping Carts

Weapon/s of Choice
Real Cowboy: Lasso
Cart Cowboy: Heavy duty work gloves, speed and a low center of gravity for explosive power in overtaking the shopping carts

Compensation:
Real Cowboy: Bi-Weekly Paycheck commensurate with experience & performance, Bounty Money
Cart Cowboy: $10-$15 per Cart

Mode of Transportation
Real Cowboy: Horse
Cart Cowboy: 10-15 year old Pick-Up Truck

Cart Cowboy Mode of Transportation

Sex Appeal (Scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest)
Real Cowboy: If you like rugged good looks, a thick mustache and the smell of hard work then a 10.
Cart Cowboy: If you like a go-getter attitude (those carts don't come to you), a Gatorade mustache and the smell of sunscreen then a 10.

Dead Give Away
Real Cowboy: If the hat, horse and boots don't give it away, check for a very large belt buckle.
Cart Cowboy: "Cart Cowboy" will be stenciled on the side of his pick up truck.

Please help me find him.......if not for me then for these 4 shopping carts.


Actual photo of the 4 carts outside my house




Friday, March 4, 2011

The Scone Report

These are stories from the week, both personal and public, that confused, scared, delighted,saddened or angered me in some way. This may or may not be a recurring post, it just depends on how ridiculous the week has been.

Charlie Sheen Blood
I was really annoyed this week by that tiger that went around courting the tabloids and morning shows and appeared on my TV screen every half hour rambling about various things and then claimed to have Charlie Sheen blood. What an ass..hmmmm....I might have the facts turned around on this story.

The Bees!
We had a bee-hive in the roof of our house. So this week, the Bee Catcher came out and took away 50 pounds of honey comb. Because bees are "endangered", the Bee Catcher does not kill them...he relocates them. When I asked how he relocated them, he explained (with about 175 bees circling his head) that they just flew away when he removed the honey comb. It was either the stupidest thing I ever heard or the most brilliant business strategy. In other news...that very day I ran out of toast.

McHealthy?
Are the group of people that are shocked that McDonald's oatmeal isn't really that healthy going to be the same group of people that are appalled at the quality of detailing and stitching on the bridal gowns they can now purchase at Costco?

My Can of Corn
You may or may not know that I love organizing.  As I make my way room to room, drawer to drawer, and cupboard to cupboard, I am finding little forgotten about surprises. This week I tackled the kitchen and in it I found my little can of corn. This little guy has been with me for years. He makes every move with me (I've counted 6), he is there for the good times and for the bad times. This week was a sad week as he was a little swollen most likely from age (estimated to be between 10-14 years) or change in temperature (he was purchased in VA and made his way cross country to CA). It was the end of the road for my little Del Monte friend...we had one last laugh (at the Bee Catcher) and one last cry (again, at the Bee Catcher) and then we said, "Good-Bye".  I miss him.