I had the opportunity to spend the past week with the cream of the crop that Los Angeles County has to offer. Yes, jury duty. Imagine my delight and excitement when I was selected to be on the jury. Why was I selected? Because I didn't have these helpful hints, which all but 11 of my fellow citizens had, in how to avoid being selected. You're welcome.
1. Cry while in the jury box. Not over a question or anything reasonable like that, just randomly cry.
2. Exhibit bat shit crazy behavior.
3. You know when you nod your head to indicate "yes" or "no" to a question? Don't fully commit to the "yes" nod or the "no" nod when the judge asks you a question, do a hybrid nod that results in moving your head in a circular motion. Works best if your arms are folded and you blink your eyes very rapidly and in an exaggerated manner. (See #2)
4. When asked if you have ever been committed of a crime, have a laundry list of felonies at your disposal. It may take years to amass such an impressive criminal resume but it will all be worth it in the end.
5. Be confused by every possible question posed to you. For example:
Judge: Does anyone need a break?
Juror #6: I don't understand the question?
Judge: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
Juror #6: Can you be more specific?
Public Defender: I would like to thank and excuse Juror #6.
6. Appear to have some deep seeded issue with the Beverly Hills Police Department. An issue that resulted in your arrest or an arrest of family member, preferably your mother's arrest.
7. Return from the lunch break drunk. Disclaimer: this will not get you out of jury duty but will get your service postponed which is probably best anyway because in a few hours you will be too hung over to listen to testimony.
8. Express shock that the trial starts tomorrow because you have another engagement that you can't cancel. Depending on the mood of the judge, this may or may not get you excused but will most definitely get you hated by all other jurors.
9. Use the breaks to go to the restroom and wash your feet, using the sink as a foot soak (must be limber to accomplish this). Word quickly gets out that you are showing signs of #2.
10. Clap every time you see some from law enforcement (this includes the bailiff).
Count 1: Driving under the Influence
Count 2: Driving with a BAC of .08 or higher