Thursday, December 29, 2011

Dear Santa

 Dear Santa,

Correct me if I'm mistaken but I thought we had a deal. I would stop pushing my pro-fanny pack agenda on the world and you would grant me my one and only Christmas wish, to make the Kardashians go away. I know, I know world peace seems like a more appropriate "one and only wish" but if you study World Peace it is impossible to achieve as long as the Kardashians are around. So if you really want to split hairs, in a round about way I did wish for World Peace.....geez, get off my back. But I digress.

I'll be honest, I was hopeful that my Christmas wish was going to be granted. The first promising sign was when Kim and Kris broke up. There was back lash and a lot of angry fans who felt betrayed and I sat back and smiled inside. So I gathered up a group of my closest friends (OK, friend) and we headed down to the nearest Sears where we were going to celebrate the Kardashian demise by dancing on Kourtney's Cheetah print pant suit and Kloe's Gold Silk Mini Skirt which I was sure would be thrown into the street and lit on fire as a sign of protest for all things Kardashian. But what did I find.....NEW INVENTORY! DAGGERS!

So I waited. And waited. And waited for another sign that the Karshanians would be going away and my Christmas wish would be granted. And then it came.....sort the form of a Lamar Odom trade to Dallas. OK, so at least LA would be less 2 Kardashians, but Dallas is not that far away, I was hoping for maybe Europe or the Lifetime Channel. I don't mean to complain, Santa, but this is kind of half-ass. I mean, in my opinion Kloe is one of the more likeable of the Kardashians, next to Kourtney's unborn baby. If they spin this off into a Kadarshian Dallas series, which they Kris Jenner will, I may be forced to unfollow them on Twitter in a last ditch effort and a final heroic stand against all things Kardashian.

And then finally, Santa, your last effort came. Now I am slightly impressed by this one but this is not really a long term fix. You with all your Santa Powers, had Kris Humphries booed at a basketball game by 20,000 rabid Kim Kardashian/Knicks fans. Sure this does prove that there are a lot of Kardashian fans who will go to great lengths, or at least buy Knicks v Nets tickets, in a show of solidarity and support of Kim who was betrayed by love. But this could also prove that you should stay away from Kim Kardashian less you enjoy being booed by 20,000 New Yorkers. Granted in this method it would take a long time to turn everyone against the Kardashians, as this would have to be done one person/marriage at a time and in 72 day increments. 

In conclusion, Santa, although efforts were made on your part, I don't see 2012 becoming Kardashian free and for that matter, there will also be no World Peace. How do you live with yourself?


The Kardashian 2011 Christmas Card: They make it impossible not to hate them.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Happiest Day

One year ago yesterday was the best day of my life. It was the day that I decided to give the restaurant business a break from me. I think we are both happier. Since then much has happened. Brock and I started our own business. We got another dog, Maverick. And this blog has been optioned as a movie with the role of Ginger Scone going to Jennifer Anniston. OK, that last part is not true. Anyway, looking back on the past year there are a lot of things I don't miss about the restaurant business but there are some things I do  miss. This is my list.

What I Miss About the Restaurant Business

 Free Food
I had no idea that I was eating 98% of meals at my place of employment, I also had no idea how expensive groceries were. Working at a restaurant is like have one big refrigerator stocked for you, every day new stuff comes in and somebody else cooks it. That is one sweet deal.

The Stories
 If you are at a party, do yourself a favor and find a restaurant manager in the group. Then stick to him/her like glue because you will hear the most mind baffling, outrageous, funny yet sad stories you will ever hear. Want to hear about a sewage back-up at a banquet for the University of Chicago Law Alumni? Want to hear about the waitress who was fired for licking the wall in the middle of a December lunch rush? Want to hear about a banquet sales manager who was testing the AV equipment with the host of the Lutheran Church banquet that was scheduled to take place in 15 minutes, only to start up the TV/VCR combo and play Porn (not good porn, bad porn) that the houseman had been entertaining himself with the night before? Want to hear about Mother's Day 1997 and how we got 5 hours behind on resos (which in theory shouldn't even be possible) and an 80 year old man threw a punch at the Maitre D? I've got 22 years worth of these stories and I fear I may run out. (PS. These aren't even the really good ones)

A Paycheck
Its becoming increasingly difficult to purchase items without a paycheck. Well played, restaurant business, well played.

Things I Don't Miss From The Restaurant Business:

Fridays in December
Its Friday in December and I'm in my sweats and not getting yelled at for forgetting the gift table/kosher meal/3 extra place settings. Where are you?

My 4:30am Call Time
Yes, it does exist. I was as shocked as you.

Chances are if something fun is happening, you will be working.

Knowing Your Place in Society
Nothing reiterates that you are less than others than that condescending tone/stare you get when you forget a fork/bring Coke instead of Diet Coke/take too long to split a check 21 ways/don't seat someone in a booth.

Covering Shifts/Writing Schedules/Answering Schedule Related Questions
50% of your time will be spent covering shifts. 88% of all restaurant firings/quittings take place less than 3 minutes after a 2 week schedule is posted.

 Answering Questions
The other 50% of your time will be spent answering non schedule related questions. Here are some of my favorite: What time is it? Can I be cut? Have you seen (the name of someone who is around the corner)? Can I be cut? I don't feel well, do you think I should go home? Can I be cut? Do we have (whatever item was 86'd yesterday and/or the past 23 days)? Should I take my break now? Where should I take my break? What should I eat on my break? Maybe I shouldn't take my break if I'm going to be cut.........can I be cut?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Seacrest Out

US Weekly reported yesterday that with Matt Lauer's contract up in December 2012, Ryan Seacrest is rumored to be in talks to take over Lauer's morning spot. OK, let's all catch our breath and calm down for a minute. You listen and you listen good, Ryan Seacrest, if I have to see your spray tanned face hiding behind that teeth whitened smile every morning from 7:00am-7:20am (the only time actually news is on the Today Show) I will declare war on you, E! Network, the Kardashians, and Ugg Boots (might as well throw those in there as long as I'm going to war, anyway).

If this hadn't been reported by US Weekly, I would have assumed it to be false. I can only surmise that the Today Show is  interviewing the low hanging fruit first and will eventually get to the real reporters they are actually considering for the job. In the event they are having a brain freeze and can't come up with anyone better, here are my suggestions to replace Matt Lauer on the Today Show.

David Gregory
He is a regular fill in for Lauer and seems very much at ease in the day time setting.  Only problem is that is 6'5", could create issues when they have to stand outside. Rumor has it Roker has short man complex.

Luke Russert
He's the son of the late Tim Russert, currently working on MSNBC. He's young and I think the Today Show may want to explore that demographic. Rumor has it though, Roker is an ageist.

Paula Deen
Two female anchors is not out of the question. Look at Weekend Update on SNL with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, ratings went through the roof! Plus have you ever listened to Paula Deen, its like an angel angel speaking about her love for butter.

Keith Morrison
Keith is currently on Dateline and he has that voice that I'm sure you recognize. Every time you hear that melodramatic, soft spoken, hypnotizing voice you know you are in for some good listening. He makes anything sound interesting and suspicious.

Boo, The Cutest Dog in the World
Boo doesn't talk. He doesn't need to. Just put him on top of the news desk in his little tub and rubber duck and suddenly the world doesn't seem so bad. I love you, Boo.

Jason Bateman
5 days a week, for 2 hours a day, Jason Bateman on TV. This needs to happen.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dear Sweatpants

The Boathouse Pant
Dear Sweatpants,

How do I love thee, let me count the ways..... 

First, your elastic waistband is the hug I long for. It seems to say "I love you" and "it's OK you ate french fries for lunch...and breakfast" all at the same time. It also seems to say, "Go ahead and have that root beer float". You seem to really get me.

Secondly, and when I thought you couldn't be any more awesome. BAM, with the pockets. Pockets in just got real in here. Those pockets, or "candy vessels" as I like to call them, almost make me forgive that period of time that you wrote "juicy" across my butt. Almost....

Thirdly, you come in many different colors. Sure a slimming black seems like an obvious choice but a little too elegant for my taste. The bright colors are a West Coast fave, but I'll be saving that canary yellow for my bridesmaid's dresses. I like you in old school gray. First, in gray you go with everything, including my couch. Second, in gray you seem to say "I'm for lounging, but could possibly be for exercising". And finally, in gray you seem to say, "I'm not afraid to make the tough decisions, but I'm still a lady".

And finally, let's not forget the different styles you come in. I love your Boathouse brand. You're a dream in heavyweight cotton/poly blend, drawcord removed, and side seam pockets. Your leg opening which is an open bottom allows me to put you on without having to remove my shoes. I see you speak "lazy", Sweatpants. Well done. 

But I think Elizabeth Barret Browning said it best in Sonnet 43, which was written as an expression of her love for her sweatpants:***

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Ginger Scone

***May or may not be true

Friday, December 2, 2011

To Do List

Please don't bother me today as I have a very big To Do List.

Today's To Do List

1. Take dogs to the park.
2. Explain gravity to members of the household. Remind him that modern science has devised ways to combat gravity with such things as hooks and towel racks, however these will only work if THE TOWEL IS ON THEM.
3. Learn QuickBooks
4. Speak to members of the household about the wonderful drainage system that our beloved city, Los Angeles, has. Remind him that the only flaw in this system is that the water actually has be near or on the drain for said system to work.
5. Which reminds me, explain the difference between "near or on" to members of the household. For example, water "near or on" the drain would mean that water was in the sink, water NOT "near or on", the drain would mean that water would be on the counter thus rendering the drain useless.
6. Try on jeans that I haven't worn since last winter.
7. Depending on how #6 goes, set aside time for sobbing.
8. Review the mechanics of  the hamper with members of the household. Items in the hamper get laundered, items outside of the hamper might as well be towels, see #2.
9. Brush dogs hair.
10. Eat a piece of Lemon Cheesecake that I made yesterday.
11. Brush my hair.
12. Eat another piece of Lemon Cheesecake but this time only eat half, this means it never really happened.
13. Measure square footage of the house. Confirm it's still 1600 sq. feet then reassure member of the household that he does not need to leave a trail of items (a la Hansel and Gretel) when he comes from work as a way to find him. Generally speaking,  the splashing of water against the bathroom counter is a pretty good indicator of where he is.
14. Go to TJMaxx to try on jeans.
15. Sit sadly in the TJMaxx dressing room clinging to a size 6 pair of jeans and reminiscing about the great ride we had.
16. Eat second half a Lemon Cheesecake.
17. Watch Seinfeld.
18. Drink green tea. To be done continuously throughout day.
19. Make sure member of the household sets alarm 1 hour before he needs to be up with a 3 minute snooze alarm. Make sure he sets the alarm tone to "rabid dog barking".
 20. Go to the gym. Put treadmill at speed of  6.0 for 30 minutes with 10.0 incline, after 6 minutes decide a soak in the steam room is a better, easier way to spend an hour at the gym.